the spiral game
painted ponies, etc
I’ve been thinking about this life as a circle… or maybe a spiral. We are growing outward, but we keep learning the same lessons. When we are just beginning, the turns feel sudden and dizzying. We haven’t been around long enough to know that the loops are just part of the design. It’s a pattern! Almost uncanny. There is this joy in seeing how much healing and growth has happened since the last revolution. An earlier version of me would be crumbling, but I am walking forward gracefully.
I’ve been thinking about her, young me. Baby me. Me before I knew me. I find myself picturing my old room: my bed and all the time I spent staring at the clouds that my aunt painted on the ceiling. My face is fuzzy in my memory except for a few memorable Facebook profile pictures. I’ve been talking to her. She visits me sometimes. She tells me we’re hot and cool now, though I don’t feel like it some days. I tell her we are still scared a lot, but we have done a lot of cool things while we were scared. So much is different and new, but a lot of the things that cause us pain are the same. The difference is that we have more control over our life now. We take care of us now.
And we have people now. We are holding each other's nets. To fall into if we need to. It’s safe. I feel grounded. It feels like I am called to be here. A righteous feeling. Like it is a true and holy instinct. I don't feel like I am abandoning myself for others anymore. I am just walking towards love and fear at the same time.
I tell her to trust me. The body knows. Like soft golden light, warm sunshine and honey. It lives in my bones. It always has. It is a sweetness and softness that gives a slow pull in the direction I need to go. Some people call this God, I guess. It is quiet, so I must get quiet. Be still, stop fighting, stop fixing. We already know what we need. The answer is there. I just have to be quiet enough to hear it.
It’s like the less I try to control the better, really. The more tenderness I carry for my little self, I feel my grip loosening. Slowly. Apparently, that serenity prayer was on to something? God (or Golden Goo), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Kinda slaps.
I’m making these paintings into prints for sale — order by Dec 15th to get in on this batch of orders that will ship out before xmars :-) SHOP HERE
The 2004 album Under My Skin by Avril Lavigne. Untouchable. No skips. I fully ingested that album when I was 13 and it never left. Thank God. (Thank you Las Culturistas pod and Meghann Fahy for reminding me of it’s impact.)
My sweetheart and I made this spiral-y (wink!) pork loin this week and it was beautiful.
I don’t have any Christmas stockings, but I did hang up some socks!
For 12 days of guaranteed serotonin, I recommend an advent calendar full of tiny jars of jam.
okay i did it
thanks for being here
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